In talking to a friend who is younger I thought back to when I was 23 and said " dang... what WAS I doing when I was 23"

and then I remembered.. easyjournal!!! So I took a gander...

I wasn't doing shit. lol.

But I did like the fact I can go back and re look at the ups and downs of my life and what has led me here. So with that said I will continue easy journal again. Life has much more to say to me than it did before so I this should be one conversation that's worth eavesdropping on. lol

June of 2008 was my last entry. The class reunion that wasn't for my class. I worked for a major sports franchise and felt hot. The reunion went well. This past summer was my own reunion. Like most reunions, the men looked terrible, except for a few, most of the women looked terrible.

I still looked hot. lol

I was laid off of that awesome job in February. That job wasn't all that awesome. I loved the glitz of the job, but the actually hours and boss from hell wasn't that great. I then ended up at a law firm.

it was hell. I never thought i could hate a job as much as i did that one.

so i did was any logical person in a bad economy would do.

i quit. lol.

it wasn't the right decision looking back. Its been about two months since then. I have been freelancing and working as a marketing person part time at a accounting firm. Its had both high points and low points.

I still have been applying for full time jobs. One of them I had two interviews with. So we will see how that goes.

At this place in my life I feel like im in a crossroads. Probably with a lot of people right now going through a financial situation. I feel extra stupid at mine since it was self inflicted.

I had a great apartment in a cool town but a job i hated.

Now i have a room in a house, but I dont answer to anyone but myself....but my car is barely working, bills aren't getting paid like they should and I'm honestly feeling like a failure at this whole business thing.

I should of stayed at the law firm longer and saved my money. But I can't would of should of about it. Whats done is done and I keep focusing on the now and pressing forward.

Luckily I have great friends, church and boyfriend.

...ya'll know there is ALWAYS a boyfriend.

This time it is different. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years. It started as much as my usual relationships - with drama. But this time i can admit that it is because it is mostly my fault. I have matured a lot since my fun days. Matured to the point where I realize that I have trust issues and jealously issues. I'm not perfect, but I am getting there.

and him? he's great. especially since the whole going on my own business thing. He has been supportive and helpful and just great.

Right now life is a mix of emotions. My friendships are developing nicely. My church life is great. relationship is great.

finanically and business wise, that isn't going well. I know that its only been two months and that things dont happen overnight. IF i get this job, the business will be stopped. I will start focusing on other things like going back to school and getting a house.

I can't say how thing will turn out- but I am going to keep going writing to document it.

I was called by a old friend to inform me that a high school reunion was being planned for the class that graduated before me. I decided not to go, figuring I had more to do than sit around a bunch of people I didn’t like and didn’t graduate with.

Another friend called and asked if I was going. A friend of leda and I, so I thought- hey why not??? I looked at the list of people who is going and was like yes….

My moment is finally here!!!!

For those who don’t’ know – I was the girl who was cute…but really really REALLY goofy. Skinny, and shy, not quite sure of herself and certainly wasn’t as bold as the other fast ass girls in high school. I was know as the “when” girl. WHEN I gain some weight I will be fine…WHEN I have a kid and get a little thick I will be fine…WHEN I stop acting goofy I will be fine…

Well… I’m cashing in cause WHEN IS NOW SNITCHESSSSSS!!!!!

Yes I recognized this is truly, truly shallow. I know my priorities should be else where. But there were guys in this class who I used to dream about and have “Nick show like” day dreams about. Most of the guys I have seen know I look good now and I have already gotten some revenge. However, I fully plan on 1)making the girls who hated me in that class fully jealous 2) making the guys mouths drop. I know. I should humble myself. I’m trying.

Its amazing how easily we revert to old school feelings and wanting redemption…lol. I am going to get a KILLER dress. Its on and poppin.

Will give you update asap. The reunion is Tomm so you will get stories fast.

In other news: yeah I got a new job. Yeah it rocks. I will give more detail when my mind is focused. Business is good, life is good. Everything is just good.

..it will however be GREAT when I get to go to this thing…lol muuuhahahhahahahhahaha

I haven’t updated in a while. I am not entirely sure where to begin. A lot has been going on internally.

My world in general hasn’t really changed. I mean, I finished some awesome projects. I am at a place in my business where I can do whatever I want and it would just be okay. I proved I can do it and people now call me without me having to prove it to them. At this point I can now chill. I am actually going to not find clients so aggressively and just deal with the clients I have now. I reached the point where working every night is not needed. I can collect my thoughts and figure out what is next.

It is nice to reach that point. I can re-focus on personal things and actually go out and do stuff. Its time for that new phase in my life where things start to change so I can reach the next level, which in theory is always suppose to be better than the last level you where at. Of course we all have a tendency to take steps backward, and I pray that I continue to move forward. Although one step back to take a giant leap forward never hurt anyone…just depends on the situation.

Personally I have made decisions that I normally would find hard to make. Cutting off friends, being single, and being more confident in my talent and self worth. Those are welcomed changes and I reflect on how far I have come.

I can not fully describe it, but I feel a sense of closure. I feel like the past couple of years are just over. The issues, trials and problems that existed are no longer an issue and I do not feel boggled down by them. Perhaps it was because recently I saw CR’s myspace page. He has moved back home to the county with his baby’s mama.

I saw her page. The pics of her and him and the baby they had while he was still dating me. I saw their baby was in the intensive care unit. Strapped up to wires and machines and small. I saw the ultrasounds from when she was pregnant. All I could think about was “I hope he doesn’t hurt her”. I thought about the pain she must have gone through while she was dealing with all of this. Every weekend while she was pregnant, he was with me. He was with me talking about getting married and having kids and the loss of the child we had. All I could think about was “God, don’t let him do the same to her as he did to me”. I wasn’t angry at him, I felt nothing. It was just a bad situation that taught me a lesson. He was placed there to teach me something. The lesson was certainly a painful one, but one that got me to this point.

Granted, I perhaps should be mad at her some are thinking. She was, after all, with him the same time I was. But she was just as much of a victim as I was. I thought about all this and felt as though this all happened years ago. It will be only a year next month. All the anger, hate, hurt was replaced by “I just hope they do okay”. He is back at home in NC and with a family. Lets all hope he makes the right decisions since he moved him, her and her two kids out there. Starting fresh is sometimes a good thing.

It all seems so old. So far away. I can sit back and laugh and not feel hurt about what he did. Plainly put –

I’m so over it.

So then why talk about it? Why even mention it? If anyone reads this I hope it lets people know that you get closure when you least expect it.

It wasn’t that moment that provided closure. That simply showed me just how much I have moved past the situation and how much I have grown. But in general I am just at a place where I feel like the next stage of my life has started. It’s nothing major, nothing huge.

I do feel like the connections and friends I make going forward with have a much more of an impact on me and will be relationships I have for a long time. My friends and I connect about issues that go way below surface level, and for that I am grateful.

All this “next level” stuff isn’t all great and good. I have had my share of disappointments. Things that I hope would of panned out, but didn’t. That is okay too. I understand it wasn’t meant to be and I know when stuff happens now that it isn’t just sheer luck. It was meant to happen.

Perhaps life hasn’t changed, just my view on it. Even still, that’s a next level of life…thinking and viewing life differently. And that is never a bad thing. (unless your viewing it the wrong way…then your just plain ol’ negative. lol)

Looking down and noticing how far I climbed,
YDP

i am going to update. promise.

life has taken me to a place where i will have more time to post about my life...because i will actually be able to HAVE a life.

good things are growing. im just watering the seeds. all i know is what ever flower blooms its going to be wonderful.